My Journey to Contentment

Since I first moved to South Dakota I have been in constant awe of the beauty of God's creation in this state. Between my first time of living here and my current, I lived in the northern suburbs of Chicago. I remember telling people about the beauty here-the endless prairies, the vast open sky, stars that seem so close because you can actually see them, the sun being out so late in the summer, the smell of fresh air (or maybe that was just manure).

I've often found it difficult being content where I have lived. Especially in the moment I'm going through a difficult time; I have longed for the previous place I lived, completely forgetting the difficult times there, too. 

When I moved back to South Dakota, a few months before getting married, I envisioned that life would be complete. That I would be content here.

I was wrong. 

Discontentment in every other place followed me here as well. The issue wasn't with the location I was at, the issue was with me. I was the common denominator of discontent, not the place I was currently residing. 

I have had my bouts of struggling with my husband's job and the whole idea of ranching. I have hated it. I have loathed it. I have wanted to be anywhere but here. A few times I almost left. Once he started to give it up. 

Just for me.

I realized how selfish I was, am. 

Somewhere along the way between now and February 2011 God changed my focus of contentment. I remember one night of falling on my knees in front of my living room window, a blanket of snow spread before me, the moon light illuminating the millions of diamonds embedded in it. 

I cried out to Jehovah God-the Creator, the Giver of Life.

I wish I could say things miraculously changed, but they didn't. I wish I could tell you a secret formula, but I can't. 

All I can tell you is that little by little, Jehovah has reached deep into my soul and pulled out weeds of discontent. 
Pain has followed. 
Anguish has ensued. 
I have fallen, but He has been there to pull me up.

I don't leave my house/property all that much. Not because I'm hiding from the world, but because I have become more and more content being here. I love this home that God has provided. Though it needs work in some areas and others areas embarrass me when guests come, it is what He's given me and I have become thankful.

I deeply love the people who live in this house. 
I want them to feel the contentment and joy of being home, so therefore I must be so.

I have spent much time just being with the Lord. 
Yes, I love to know and study and understand theology, but that has taught me nothing compared to just spending time with my Savior. 

Some days are still hard, but His end is the process.

"If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working toward a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.......God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, than each moment as it comes is precious." 

~Oswald Chambers

My 11 Month Sweetie {My, How the Year Has Flown}

It has clearly been a while since I posted last. 
Our fall/winter has cruised by at a steady pace. We are enjoying the warm, cozy house and each others company. 
We're also very thankful for when it's warmer than 12 degrees and chances for the kids to play outside. :)

So Overwhelmed!

For the past few months I have felt so overwhelmed. As soon as I get up my feet hit the floor at a steady pace and don't stop until I'm back in bed for the night. I go running for some quiet and refreshment, as odd as that may sound to non-runners. 

I really don't have time to be writing this post, but thought maybe putting this down would help ease my overboard mind a little and maybe be encouraging to someone else. My intentions are not to be negative or to nitpick other people's convictions, just admit what overwhelms me so that in the process of writing this post I can just put it to rest and move on.

* I have so many projects I've started around our ranch to help my husband, but just not enough time to finish them when I want. 

* I have so many unorganized files in my computer from my recent transfer to a new one and I can't find anything and it stresses me out. 

* I'm trying to add more inventory to my jewelry shop before Christmas. The summer was too busy to spend the needed time in the house to create and now I feel a time crunch and unbelievable pressure.

* I'm considering dropping portrait photography, and sticking only with fine art landscape and macro. I need to add more items to my Etsy store.

* I'm tired of hearing about how sugar is so bad. The past few years, on my own research of the science of cooking I've put in half the amount of sugar into what I bake, or maybe none at all. But now I feel so guilty for even buying it, or buying the "wrong kind." 

* I'm tired of well meaning people inferring the "advanced medicine" practices that I do are evil.

* I'm tired of Facebook. I love reading the current events in my newsfeed and keeping up with people that live far, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of the spiels people get themselves excited about. 

Here is my spiel!

Lord, I'm so overwhelmed! I'm so tired of feeling guilty for living this life YOU have blessed me with. I'm tired of being unintentionally made to feel guilty because I buy canned tomatoes, love sugar and cream in my non-green tea. I'm thankful for powdered substances that are finally helping my son's digestive problems, and a doctor who actually listened to me and cares. 

Lord, I'm so tired of all this nitpicking about food! I'm tired of having to defend how my husband does his part through sweat, freezing cold temperatures, and death to provide his end of food for my world.

Lord, I'm tired of families being broken. I ache so deeply for a 16 year old girl who just lost her mom. I ache for a 28 year old woman who's mother is unwelcoming because she doesn't want to catch her grandson's cold. I ache over misunderstandings, misinformation and lack of communication. 

I feel as if all this is on my shoulders and I. Don't. Want. It. Anymore. 

Here. 

It's Yours. 

I'm going outside now. And I'm just going to enjoy the sunshine while sitting on my garden bench. I will not take any of this weight with me because I can't carry it. 

It now belongs to You.

Eight Years

Eight years ago today...

 I married my very best friend.

I cannot publicly tell him what is on my heart. It is not appropriate for anyone else to hear. ;)

My 10K Trail Run Experience

I'm a bit of a loaner. A majority of my most refreshing, rejuvenating times have been when I've been hiking, walking, running, biking, driving, mountain or hill gazing. 

Alone.

Last weekend I ran a 10K Trail Run. I'd been training heavily the past few months. In the weeks of training, so many things have been clambering for my attention. So much commotion everywhere I turn. So much noise. 

Since I started running a few years ago I always take my iPod and either listen to music or sermons by some of my favorite pastors and teachers. With all that has been craving my attention I just needed some time of peace. 
Of quiet.

I started running without my iPod. Just the sound of the wind. A bird. The gentle hum of travelers on the road. 
Just me and the Lord. In silence. 

Sometimes I would pray. Sometimes I would think. But most of the times I would just be. Just be with Jesus. In quiet. Nothing clambering for my attention. Just the steady pace of my feet on the road.
These times have been so refreshing to me.

I was excited for the 10K. I knew that trail running would be very different. I don't have any of the same kinds of trails to train where I live, so I just improvised. My goal was 1) to finish, and 2) to run the whole way. I accomplished both of these in June 2012 when I ran my first Half-Marathon.

I have now discovered that trail running is completely different than road. I so very much love to hike, but have never ran a hiking trail. I ran almost a mile before I had to slow down and fast walk. I was discouraged. With over five miles still to go I couldn't complete my second goal. The inclines were so steep that I didn't think I'd have the energy to finish if I didn't slow down. My calves burned. 

Half way through I decided to just enjoy the beauty of the trail. To just spend that time with the Lord. To just be. I ran when I could and fast hiked when I couldn't. 

When I ascended to the highest peak, I stopped. 
The view was beautiful. 
The air was so crisp and clean. 
And I just wept. 
Alone on top of this mountain I reflected on what the Lord was teaching me. 

My journey in this life has been full of ups and downs. Some I have ran with joy, others I have walked through slowly. 

It has been those slow steps that I have felt the closest to Jesus. It was the slower journey I made as I progressed on the 10K that I felt closest to Him.

I wept as I stood still, taking in the beauty. 
Rejoicing that He was with me. 
Whether I run or walk, He is always here. And will continue to be so through the finish. 

And I did.
Half an hour longer than I'd hoped, but lighter on my feet than when I started.

At the finish-line with my two sweeties.

Stitch Fix

I live in the middle of nowhere. Sort of.
Most days I love it! Some days I have to remind myself that I really do like it.

I can hear the interstate hum when my windows are open. My nearest neighbor is about two miles away. I have to drive 8 miles to buy gas or groceries, and that's just a small town grocery store that's never heard of hummus (gasp!!). 

I have to drive one to two hours to go clothes shopping. Shopping is not always my thing. When I go, I prefer to be alone. I like to look, try on and leave. And it usually takes me about 10 minutes for all three. With two small children it's hard to shop for myself. Since I'm still nursing my baby I can't really take off on a rainy day when my husband is home as it's several hours driving. Occasionally I do get to go when we're out as a family, but its not the same as being out shopping alone.

Recently I read a blog post by a friend about Stitch Fix. I filled out a profile in my newly acquired account. They picked out five pieces to send me. I received my exciting package and have three days to look things over, try them on in my home with my other clothes, and on my own time. I either keep everything (receiving a 25% discount if purchasing the entire "Fix"), or just pay for the items I want to keep and return the rest in a prepaid USPS envelope.

My sisters are more fashionable than I am, but I'm getting out there...slightly. :) This is a great chance for me to do something fun and try something new.

At the risk of totally embarrassing myself with these pictures, I thought I would share with you all my first "Fix!" I'm not crazy about every item, but it was fun trying out what I would never have picked up in a store.

I think I'm going to keep at least one item, maybe two. I still have one more day to decide. 

Check it out and give it a try! Here's my reference link right here!

8 Months Have Come and Gone

I can't believe how fast the time goes! 

Here's to eight months of joy with my little sweetie who is forever laughing, smiling or has her fingers in her mouth. :)