Branding {Round 1}

Today was the first of three brandings for the next week.
My in-laws just four and a half miles west of us hosted theirs today.

This was the first branding in which my son was able to wrestle calves. He was so excited when he got up this morning and was so worn out when it came time for bed.

His Auntie helped teach him how its done. It makes me so proud to see him working.

And then there's this boy. How can you not just love this face?!

This is my sister-in-law and her second eldest. They're both pretty great ladies.

Branding and castrating. 

My wonderful niece. Actually, I have 17 wonderful nieces!

I love these next three photos. I love how my sister-in-law is always so gracious to us and eager to see our children. I'm so thankful for the times I get to spend with her, for what she's taught me and what she shares with me. 

Auntie Anne was so good about teaching him. It was fun to watch. 
Next branding maybe I'll be in there with him. 

 

Here is my lovely niece, Savannah. 

And Maria. 

My husband roped a while, too.

I'm quite fond of this one. Maybe it's the subject matter. I think he's quite manly.

It's so hard to image this girl roping. I remember when she was just a sweet little tot. Wasn't it just yesterday?

And then there's this boy again. I think he's grown a foot since I saw him at Christmas. 

The kids worked so hard. I sat on the fence and took their pictures. And gabbed. And cut up lettuce for a salad. I was a huge help. The salad was delicious.

This brings tears to my eyes. There's much I would like to say but just don't have the words. So instead of blubbering I'll just say that I'm so glad to be able to call Becky my sister-in-law.

Seeing Rope rope was fun. He's much better than I. But, I think I chop up lettuce better than him so we're even.

Oh this girl. She's another favorite niece. 

And my lovely sister-in-law,  Shawna. She's a pretty amazing woman. She'll probably be embarrassed by this photo but I love it. I've seen her make this expression for the past 19 years. I can't believe I've known her that long! 
We went to high school together and worked a summer job together. I would have never imaged I'd become her sister-in-law. I'm sure glad we are. She's a true blessing to everyone who crosses her path. Expect maybe rattlesnakes and mice. 

I don't remember why this calf was being pursued but I find this photo hilarious. It looks like Mike has him...

But...he's too quick! 

I don't get to see this sweet face in person very much since she lives so far away but when I do it makes me very happy. 

My son can't stop talking about this cousin. She's pretty high on his list.

Maria heads back in for another one.

 This girl was just a baby at my wedding. Now she cooks delicious food! Where has the time gone?!

This boy who made me a mommy. I don't know where he got that lovely shirt but he loves to wear it. It's starting to get too small. How sad. 

Oh sweet Abbi. I just love this girl!  

Two of the youngest three hanging out with Grandpa. 

My Hard Journey to Freedom

I haven't spent much time here lately. 
I haven't really felt like writing.

I've been avoiding it. 
                             Because I know what I have to write and I don't really want to. 
I don't want to be honest. I don't want to open up myself-for fear of criticism, of judgment, of anger.

I'm writing these things not because I want pity or anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm writing these things because there might be someone struggling with this, too. And what I have to say might give that one person hope. If even a glimpse. 

For the past three years I have struggle with sleeping. My brain won't shut down. I felt so restless. The only way I could get any sleep was to be alone. 

In trying to figure out what's going on I've been seeing a Biblical counseling team for the past year.
It has been by far one of the best investments I've ever made. 
This particular place I go to is more than just biblical counseling, but also discipleship. Something of which I have not had in a really, really long time. 

In the past year I have learned a few things about myself that I wanted to share.

1) Sleeping with my spouse every night is not a Biblical requirement. I have believed a cultural lie that it is. I have felt so guilty for sleeping alone and that I'm not being a good wife because of it. Scripture does not say that that is required of a wife. It does say, however, that a wife is to be respectful of her husband, and to not withhold sex from him but "for a time of fasting and prayer."

2) Since becoming a mother I have felt this overwhelming burden of getting so many things done in a day to keep my household running smoothly. I'd go to bed at night thinking that I needed to get the required amount of sleep so that I could get up in the morning and get X, Y and Z done as quickly as possible. 


Because of these two things I have found myself down the path of depression. 

My depression is that which comes from fear.
                                                     Fear of Failure, 
                                                     Fear of Rejection, 
                                                     Fear of Punishment and 
                                                     Fear of Shame.

I have put high expectations on myself that I'm not able to fulfill. I've worried so much about what others have thought of me for various reasons.

I have believed all these lies of Satan that I'm not adequate, that I'm not good enough, that my messiness is a bad thing, that my life is no longer of value.

God's word says that He made me adequate, that He loves me no matter what and that a broken and yielding heart is what He loves and is able to use. And that I am of great value, for He paid the highest price for my soul.

I am to be the best wife and mother God has called me to be. He has given me specific talents and abilities to do what He has called me to do.

Some days and nights are still very hard but now I am seeking to choose to believe the truths of Scripture instead of those of our world/culture/misguided people.

The final thing I want to share is 3) I have not trusted God. 
I have been clinging so tightly to Him-trying to do things right and be the right kind of wife and mother, to spend my money so wisely and make the best use of my time and....  
I have been trying to do everything.

My greatest fear is to jump off the highest cliff and crash into the rocks below. 
                                                                                                                                   Alone.

I am not alone. For He is with me. His rod and His staff, they comfort me as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. So I will not fear.

I have leapt off the cliff and He has caught me as I have now trusted that He would. 

And I am safe in His arms. 

And I am free.