My Hard Journey to Freedom

I haven't spent much time here lately. 
I haven't really felt like writing.

I've been avoiding it. 
                             Because I know what I have to write and I don't really want to. 
I don't want to be honest. I don't want to open up myself-for fear of criticism, of judgment, of anger.

I'm writing these things not because I want pity or anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm writing these things because there might be someone struggling with this, too. And what I have to say might give that one person hope. If even a glimpse. 

For the past three years I have struggle with sleeping. My brain won't shut down. I felt so restless. The only way I could get any sleep was to be alone. 

In trying to figure out what's going on I've been seeing a Biblical counseling team for the past year.
It has been by far one of the best investments I've ever made. 
This particular place I go to is more than just biblical counseling, but also discipleship. Something of which I have not had in a really, really long time. 

In the past year I have learned a few things about myself that I wanted to share.

1) Sleeping with my spouse every night is not a Biblical requirement. I have believed a cultural lie that it is. I have felt so guilty for sleeping alone and that I'm not being a good wife because of it. Scripture does not say that that is required of a wife. It does say, however, that a wife is to be respectful of her husband, and to not withhold sex from him but "for a time of fasting and prayer."

2) Since becoming a mother I have felt this overwhelming burden of getting so many things done in a day to keep my household running smoothly. I'd go to bed at night thinking that I needed to get the required amount of sleep so that I could get up in the morning and get X, Y and Z done as quickly as possible. 


Because of these two things I have found myself down the path of depression. 

My depression is that which comes from fear.
                                                     Fear of Failure, 
                                                     Fear of Rejection, 
                                                     Fear of Punishment and 
                                                     Fear of Shame.

I have put high expectations on myself that I'm not able to fulfill. I've worried so much about what others have thought of me for various reasons.

I have believed all these lies of Satan that I'm not adequate, that I'm not good enough, that my messiness is a bad thing, that my life is no longer of value.

God's word says that He made me adequate, that He loves me no matter what and that a broken and yielding heart is what He loves and is able to use. And that I am of great value, for He paid the highest price for my soul.

I am to be the best wife and mother God has called me to be. He has given me specific talents and abilities to do what He has called me to do.

Some days and nights are still very hard but now I am seeking to choose to believe the truths of Scripture instead of those of our world/culture/misguided people.

The final thing I want to share is 3) I have not trusted God. 
I have been clinging so tightly to Him-trying to do things right and be the right kind of wife and mother, to spend my money so wisely and make the best use of my time and....  
I have been trying to do everything.

My greatest fear is to jump off the highest cliff and crash into the rocks below. 
                                                                                                                                   Alone.

I am not alone. For He is with me. His rod and His staff, they comfort me as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. So I will not fear.

I have leapt off the cliff and He has caught me as I have now trusted that He would. 

And I am safe in His arms. 

And I am free.