She loved me as me.

It's been two months since the most dear women I have ever know has gone. 

Right now the pain is so deep and the tears so thick I feel as though I can't breath. 
I miss her so much more than I can express with words. The deep sorrow that wells up from the very depths of my soul is a feeling I have never felt before. 

I know she is with Jesus for He called her and she believed Him. 
That doesn't help with the pain of losing her right now. 

I used to call her quite often. 
There has been many times the past two months when I just stared at her name in my contacts list. And cried. 

I want so badly to be able to call that number, the number she's had my entire life. I long to hear her voice, her laugh, her say, "Hi, Snooks!" (The nickname she had for just about everybody close to her, unless you were really special like my aunt, brothers, sisters. Actually, come to think of it I think later on I was the only one she called that.) 

She loved me as me. 
I didn't have to be anything special, or do what she wanted me to do. 
She just loved me as I was. 

I know she didn't always agree with me but I never felt rejected by her for it.

She used to call me, just to say hi and see how I was doing. No agenda, no list of things to ask me, no complaints, just to say hi. 
She was the only one who ever did that. 
And now she's gone. 

I lived with her for four years. That's when we really got close. We even had our own little gang sign for Indian Creek. Don't ask me to show it to you, because I will only do it with her. Only.

This pain is so sharp I feel as though I may bleed. 
The tears won't stop. 
Jesus, hold me closer tonight.