To become nothing...

I came across the previous quote as I was going through some things yesterday (early spring cleaning). I was struck by it as much as I was four years ago when I wrote it down. 

This past month I've felt such an inner battle ragging within my soul as I "let my guard down" at home and cease to consider how my attitude may be affecting those within my own household. 

Why is it that I feel more comfortable getting upset about circumstances at home, but not in the midst of them in a public place. Why do I keep up my guard and fight for gaining perceived holiness outside of my inner self? Why can't I continue that at home so as not to hinder my family? 

Then in another light, how can I even think of keeping my guard up outside my home when I fail so much within? 

As I am typing this, I've begun to realize the problem. I fail so much. I can't continue. I fight. I keep up my guard. 
I, I, I. 


I'm so filled with myself, with my pride, with how things should go my way.

I've been reading through Andrew Murray's book "The Master's Indwelling" and highlighted the following portion:

 

"to be a vessel in which He can pour out His fullness, in which He can exhibit His life, His goodness, His power, His love. A vessel must be empty if it is to be filled, and if we are to be filled with the life of God we must be utterly empty of self......What is it that prevents people from coming to that entire surrender that we speak of? Simply that they dare not abandon themselves, and trust themselves, to God; that they are not willing to be nothing, to give up their wishes, and their will, and their honor to Christ.......He gave up His own will; He gave up His own honor; He gave up any confidence in Himself; He lived dependent upon God as a servant whom the Father had sent."

"Jesus, I am nothing, and Thou art all."